I’ve missed posting here the last two months which was unfortunate but necessary. I simply haven’t stretched far enough.
My dog, Bridget, is slowly dying and its teaching me a lot about the present moment. For a long time I have used my imaginings and hopes of the future as a balm, and that does not work when anticipatory grief is hovering.
There is a peace to be found in the now. It is not easy for me to access but I find it here and there. I’ve been thinking about the idea of acceptance and what it really means. We use acceptance to suggest that we are “OK” with something, but that is an oversimplification and wanders into polarizing territory where things are forced to be all or nothing. That polarized little voice in me whispers that to accept something means I am saying it is what I desire or sanction. But that is not actually the case. Acceptance is simply the recognition that something is present in my life as a reality.
I think I have accepted Bridget’s death but I have not fully accepted that she will suffer as her symptoms increase. It’s a not a full denial as though I’m refusing to see what is happening in front of me, but more a partial denial that these symptoms she has are a normal and expected part of her heart disease. The denial in me fuels the narrative that I’m doing this all wrong if she isn’t comfortable at all times. And in that denial, my attention is caught up in trying to change the reality rather than focusing on where I can provide a balm. It’s keeping me from recognizing all the good we have in the moment, and witnessing where she is right now.
Witnessing is what I challenge us to in the moon circle every month as we listen to each other’s stories without bringing the need to fix one another or our issues. This is my dog’s long death and I can’t change that. I will, of course, have to decide when her symptoms tip the balance and I need to end her suffering, but we aren’t there yet and it’s this interstitial time that is trying me. I think of people with chronic disease and ongoing painful conditions. They speak of losing friends who are unwilling to witness the reality of their life. I don’t want to be that person. So I seek acceptance of this reality and when I achieve it, I also find peace. A sad peace for sure, but peace.
I picked this month’s theme ages ago and now cannot remember the threads of the theme. I could change the theme, but instead I think I will reinterpret it.
The pictures here are of the oldest henge in the British Isles– the Standing Stones of Stenness on Orkney Island in northern Scotland.
We’ll never know what these stones have seen over the last 5,000 years. Some desire drove ancient people to gather them together to hold this space. It’s hard to not imagine that these ancient people felt the ineffable importance of being witnessed and brought the most profound beings they knew to their most special place.
Stones and trees are the best beings I know for witnessing human ailments. They do not struggle to observe my emotional or physical distress. They are grounded, heavy, steady in a way I will never be. They hold wisdom I will never embody. They do not judge. They bring me back to the present moment simply with their presence. I wish I could walk into a stone circle right now, but instead I hold a stone in my hand and let it reorient me to the moment.
This new moon is falling just days before the Winter Solstice. I had planned to discuss the Solstice more as it is one of my favorite days of the year, but I think instead I will just wish everyone a happy Winter Solstice. The amount of daylight decreases/increases slowly during this time of year (it changes more rapidly around the equinoxes). So be patient as you wait for longer days and remember, whether womb or soil, it is in the dark where all life is born. Seeds are germinating in you now—seeds you don’t even know and won’t recognize until they sprout or bloom.
May you all find a little peace to tuck around these mystery seeds while we wait for the sun to return. May you find peace in accepting the things you cannot change. May you find yourself witnessed by others, most especially the non-human beings of this earth and beyond.
